Friday, August 29, 2008



That's how I'm feeling today, and I don't know why.
I did come to an important realization today, however. I fill my life and my schedule with so many things, so much stuff to do, because I don't want the time to reflect. because then I realize that I'm not how I am when I'm around people. If you have a day where you're not required to do something, don't have anything planned, aren't expected somewhere, you have to think. You can avoid it, and I've definately tried today, but you ultimately can't.

My friend calls me a busy bee everytime he asks me how my day was. He always tells me "Wow, you're such a busy bee. I don't know how you pull it off."
And neither do I.

So, when you're forced to think and to reflect, you realize things. I did.
I realized that I hide so much from people. I don't want to face them when they look at me differently. And that's not something you can hide from. They'll always look at you differently.

So, maybe you just need to say everything that'll change their view of you at once, and sit back and watch the changes.
Because the people who change the least are worth keeping around. Where their love for you isn't affected by all the crap in your life that you hide.

I am seventeen years old, I'm clinically depressed, and I'm absolutely terrified by that fact. I have a large amount of friends, but no one that I can really pour my soul out to. I've been yelled at so much and emotionally battered that I can't handle confrontation in the slightest. I've learned to hold everything in so tightly because I can't speak out at home that everything comes unraveled when I let even one piece go. I sometimes get the desire to walk out of my house in the middle of the night and just leave, but then I'll get half a mile down the street and then realize that there's nowhere that I can really escape to at two o'clock in the morning.

Thursday, August 28, 2008


I am rolling back and forth in my chair.
Chewing on Now and Laters.
Writing... but then stopping.
I can't work my fingers...

I think I need to go to bed.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


I am...
silence in a noisy place.
screaming in my silence, and no one knows.
fighting with depression, and being overwhelmed. too much, too fast.
missing someone who has absolutely too much control over my moods.
fighting against what i want to say most of the time.
wrestling with self, dreams, and appearances.
too lonely.
surrounded, but so alone in the crowd.

I like...
trashy, embarassing fiction novels that no one knows i read.
being different, but not enough to give up being overlooked.
being reliable.
being someone that is looked to every once and a while for guidance, instead of being the one doing the looking.

I want...
a real father.
a real, honest-to-goodness place in the world.
to be predictable.
to avoid the petty drama that follows people around.
to follow your example. and His.
a friendship that is more than just superficial.
a person i can tell everything to.
to be an example.
to be able to speak. clearly and decisively.
to sit out in the rain at night until i am soaked through, and just cry.

I love...
having a serving heart, and putting it to use.
being around people who remind me that you can be okay.

I can't...
be who my mother wants.
be who my father wants.
become my brothers.
admit my fears to anyone, except to a blog that no one has found yet.
say this out loud to anyone.

I need...
the hope that someone reads my thoughts and understands.
a hug when my thoughts turn inward and dark.
to be able to be angry or upset or depressed without people acting like the sky is falling.

I am complex. I am the way God made me. I was made so I can grow and become strong through the trials that He has set for me. And I was made to see that my footprints often dissapear when He has to carry me - and that's okay. I need the reassurance that everything is all right, and that everything is according to plan.

It's okay.

Monday, August 18, 2008


Why do people have to be hard to love? Why do they make it hard?

I don't want to be in my house anymore, and I barely want to be a part of my family anymore. I'm probably one of the only people who has dreamed of their parents divorcing - and been happy.

I have come to the realization that I cannot rely on my father to be there for me. I was baptized last Thursday (August 14th). I was looking forward to it, because it's a confirmation of my faith, and because both of my parents were going to be there. And be proud of me. Most people really don't realize how amazing it is to have parents thgat push them, parents that care.

I have one of those. But I have two parents together, married, there.

But not there.

My dad chose not to come to my baptism. And I cried. I had maybe 40 people at my baptism, and I tried so hard not to show it.