Her.

I've been really unhappy with my life lately. Which is wierd, because I've had a few REALLY good days in a row, but one little thing will ruin it for me. And then it's like the good mood I've built up is just gone. I don't like that.

I've decided I don't like hiding things from my mom. And yet I can't bring myself to tell her any of the things that I've omitted or downright lied about. Omitted? Smoking. Septum. Drinking. Lied? School. School. School. I don't like it. But to tell her and then see how dissappointed she'll really be... I can't do it. I'm a wuss, maybe.

I've been smoking a lot lately. It's a stress thing for me, and I've just been needing one more and more lately. I smoked so much this weekend! And I hate that I have to leave work to do it since I'm not allowed to smoke there. Breaking rules, breaking rules. What a good example you turned out to be.


On the plus side, I've seen my best friend a lot this week. Hung out with him a lot. But I know I'm just getting my hopes up because he's been off school this week, and when he goes back tomorrow it'll mean he'll have less time to spend with me. Because even though our schedules are a bit more on line than they used to be (seeing each other 3 or 4 times a week instead of the usual 2), it hardly means anything because we're always doing something. Meetings, rehearsals, NET, kaz-ba. Does that even count? Do those days mean anything at all. Maybe I should just count the days that we usually get to hang out during the week. Uhhh, 1. And then we're on a time limit. Peachy.



I really want to stop lying about school. I want to drop out and work full time, simple and plain. I only enjoy choir and my music classes, and with the way I've been feeling lately, I don't even want to go to those. Does it mean something's wrong, or am I being realistic?
God, sometimes I feel so alone. No one knows every little thing about me. People don't catch it when I lie about my life, or omit things that happen, or things that I do.

"Mia, how are you?"
"Well, I feel like going home and sleeping and smoking and not eating for days so I don't have to be around people and can do whatever the hell I want without being told I'm not allowed or that I have to do something. "
"...oh, that's nice."







How much of that did you see coming? Did you know enough to not be surprised by anything?
This is so ranty and bitchy and downright WHINY. But screw that. I get to, every once and a while.