Decatur.

I am...
silence in a noisy place.
screaming in my silence, and no one knows.
fighting with depression, and being overwhelmed. too much, too fast.
missing someone who has absolutely too much control over my moods.
fighting against what i want to say most of the time.
wrestling with self, dreams, and appearances.
too lonely.
surrounded, but so alone in the crowd.
afraid.

I like...
trashy, embarassing fiction novels that no one knows i read.
being different, but not enough to give up being overlooked.
being reliable.
being someone that is looked to every once and a while for guidance, instead of being the one doing the looking.

I want...
a real father.
a real, honest-to-goodness place in the world.
to be predictable.
to avoid the petty drama that follows people around.
to follow your example. and His.
a friendship that is more than just superficial.
a person i can tell everything to.
to be an example.
to be able to speak. clearly and decisively.
to sit out in the rain at night until i am soaked through, and just cry.

I love...
God.
having a serving heart, and putting it to use.
being around people who remind me that you can be okay.

I can't...
be who my mother wants.
be who my father wants.
become my brothers.
admit my fears to anyone, except to a blog that no one has found yet.
say this out loud to anyone.

I need...
the hope that someone reads my thoughts and understands.
a hug when my thoughts turn inward and dark.
to be able to be angry or upset or depressed without people acting like the sky is falling.



I am complex. I am the way God made me. I was made so I can grow and become strong through the trials that He has set for me. And I was made to see that my footprints often dissapear when He has to carry me - and that's okay. I need the reassurance that everything is all right, and that everything is according to plan.

It's okay.