Swingin'.

Grawr.

That's all I can really say right now.


I am unhappy not because of anything wrong with my life, but because of my frustration about not being able to help the people around me.
I hate that my best friend is depressed and that I can't do anything about it except get frustrated and worried about him.
I hate that friends from years past are finding their ways back into my life and can only talk to me about "wow, yeah, this person we used to be friends with is a bitch, don't you think so?"


Okay, I guess I am kind of unhappy about my life, too. I've been upsetting my mom a lot lately because I've been talking about how I need to get out of the house. I love her to death, but I need to get away from some of my family members, namely my dad. I'd do anything to make my mom happy, and I really do appreciate the fact that she'll let me stay at home for however long I need, but I just can't stay. Once I get together money and roommates, I have to go.

Which brings up another issue. My job at Albertsons fell through for one reason or another, and 99% sure I finished my last paid day of work at the JC last week, so I'm a bit stuck.
I'M HAVING NO LUCK GETTING HIRED!

My mom's going to help me get my B Tech Liscence so I can get a well paid job at a pharmacy, probably at walgreens or something like that.
Here's to hoping it works.

Doll.

Today was fun.
And music filled.

I have to make sure I have my guitar when Ivan and I have too much time and too little to do after music team. For sure. That jam session was probably the best part of my day.

But so was coffee with Calvin and Ivan.


On another musical note, I've been listening to too much Laura Marling. I like it.

Karma.

My upcoming week. Yay.

Friday:
- Drama Team meeting, 6:30 to 8:30

Saturday:
- Drama Team Costume Shopping with Si!
- Kazba, 6 to 11ish

Sunday:
- Staff Recital (EdCC), 2
- NET Team meeting, 2
- SLT meeting, 3:30
- NET Potluck, 5:30
- NET, 6:15
- Vespers, 8:30

Monday:
- School, 12:30 to 1:30
- Music Team, 4 to 5
- Coffee with Calvin?
- ZOE, 6:30 - 8:45

Tuesday:
- School, 10:30 to 1:30
- Kazba ? 2 - 5

Wednesday:
- School, 12:30 to 1:30
- ZIMA, 6:30 to 8:45

Thursday:
- School, 10:30 to 1:30
- Kazba ? 2 - 5

Friday:
- Middle School Halloween Party, 6:30 to 10:30

Gamblin'.

I love my coffee-hangout time with Calvin and Ivan.

It's nice to talk with people, especially Calvin.
I'm glad we hang out more now.



Yay!

Bamba.

I'M SO EXCITED I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER BE ABLE TO STOP HOLDING THE SHIFT KEY DOWN!!

I WAS JUST INVITED TO GO ON THE MOST AMAZING TRIP I'LL EVER GET A CHANCE TO GO ON!
Ahem.
My very, very, very good friend just invited me to go with him on a three week cruise next next summer. It's a prize, and he gets to take nine people besides himself, and one he chose was ME. So now, for practically free, I get to go pretty much everywhere in the world I've dreamed of going.

Now, I just have to get together the money for a plane ticke to get to where it starts from, and then everything else is set.

SO RAD I THINK I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK FROM THE EXCITEMENT!

Georgia.

NET Team.

BAM.

Title.

Oh sosososososososososoooo excited!
I know school just started, but can it be summer now?

"Wait a minute Mia, this doesn't make sense. Rewind please?"
Yeah, sure. My friend Daniel, who I've known forever and love to death, is going to come visit me, courtesy of Summer '09.
So, summer, please come faster. Because I hate Wisconsin/Minnesota, and I want them to return my friend to me. I'm so excited to have him visit, I'm already planning.
And by then I'll be driving and have my very own automobile [<3] so I can even pick him up from the airport and take him everywhere that I want to show him... without having to introduce him to the wonders of Community Transit.

Very excited for this.

Shoot.

First day of class today!

So cool, except for the fact that MIC is hidden back by the golf course, which is on the BACKBACKBACK of the campus. Lame. But awesome at the same time!


Got a free planner today, woo hoo!

Yesterday was my first time leading a small group! Well, okay, not really, because I was a coach at ZOE last year. But this time I'm not second. I actually have to lead this year, and not just let Trev do it. It's kinda wierd being looked up to like that. But I like my group, and I have two rad SLT kids in my group - Zach, my leader buddy, and Leah, who I really want to get to know better.
And Holly!
It'll be good.



Uhm, yeah. And Music Team in 90ish minutes.

Jar.

I'm... frustrated. yeah, that's a good word for it.

Not many people like hearing it, but I take medications. A lot of them.

I just had one of my friends tell me that he liked me better before I was 'all drugged up'.
Ouch.

And I'm really tired of people telling me I shouldn't be taking my meds, or that I shouldn't be 'regulating my body with chemicals'.
I don't think everyone realizes what my meds are for. And you can't decide that my meds are automatically bad just because I have a dependance on them. Because I do. I could get really sick without them.

Don't assume that I'm taking these things just for convienience. Or that I'm an addict.



I can't believe you implied that.

Own.

Senior Experience = dumbest class ever.
It's so rediculous. I'm doing it online, and I just took about 20 minutes to put my transcript on their stupid website when they ALREADY HAVE IT ANYWAY.
Stupid.

Oh well. Finished Unit One today, going to do Unit Two and my Compassion/NET stuff tomorrow.

I have to be really good about staying on top of things this year. With such a full schedule, I can't afford to get behind, and I refuse to drop things like last year. Refuuuuse.


On other news..
I've been listening to Gym Class Heroes lately. I've forgotten how much I appreciate them. They have lyrics worth listening to. Doubt it? Faces In The Hall.
If I do a lot of what I'm supposed to tomorrow... then staff training on Saturday, I should be able to screw around and enjoy my non-school time after.



CLASSES START ON MONDAY, OHMIGAWD.
:]
No big deal. I'm excited.

Alloway.

Motivation is very lacking today.
I want to go chill with Andy, but I don't really want to deal with the crap of finding my way home from Edmonds.
And even though I have a bus pass from the college now, bussing everyday is not something I want to do. Because I've bussed every day this week, and I'm getting really tired of it.


Someone get me a car.
And make November come faster, por favor.



Uhm, I also need some help getting a horrible music team song out of my head, that I hope we nevereverever do. Hear Us From Heaven, yes? Nasty.

Strasburg.

Best thing ever.

Going out to dinner with people from the JC.



Done and done.

Jump.

Heck yes, I've been found. :)

So, two days packed full of meetings, and probably way too much time spent at the JC. Is that possible? Probs not, but I'm definately as close to it as I've ever been.
5 hours yesterday, 2 1/2 today, and then the NET.

Oh, right, and a meeting tomorrow too. Yeah! Let's see how many days in a row I can be at a Jeremiah Center/Parish event in a week once everything starts. Five? Six? All seven? No, I just checked. It's definately five, six on evening kaz-ba weeks. All seven days on the rare weeks when we have a friday even on top of kaz-ba. Maybe I should just sleep there, like Harada does.

Whatever. Uhm. I feel super accomplished from these meetings, though I don't think that's going to last through music team tomorrow. We'll see.
Five bucks that no more than two, possibly three people learned the new songs or even looked over the old one again.

Raise.

It's 10:15, I just rolled out of bed, and I plan on not getting very far away from it today. I want to get through a stack of books that are crying out to be read, I want to think on NET stuff to prepare for tomorrow, I want to go pick apples for Kendall's pie.
I think today'll be a good day, if I let it.


We'll see.

Romulus.

Crooked.
Tilted.
Skewed.
Off.

That's how I'm feeling today, and I don't know why.
I did come to an important realization today, however. I fill my life and my schedule with so many things, so much stuff to do, because I don't want the time to reflect. because then I realize that I'm not how I am when I'm around people. If you have a day where you're not required to do something, don't have anything planned, aren't expected somewhere, you have to think. You can avoid it, and I've definately tried today, but you ultimately can't.

My friend calls me a busy bee everytime he asks me how my day was. He always tells me "Wow, you're such a busy bee. I don't know how you pull it off."
And neither do I.

So, when you're forced to think and to reflect, you realize things. I did.
I realized that I hide so much from people. I don't want to face them when they look at me differently. And that's not something you can hide from. They'll always look at you differently.

So, maybe you just need to say everything that'll change their view of you at once, and sit back and watch the changes.
Because the people who change the least are worth keeping around. Where their love for you isn't affected by all the crap in your life that you hide.






I am seventeen years old, I'm clinically depressed, and I'm absolutely terrified by that fact. I have a large amount of friends, but no one that I can really pour my soul out to. I've been yelled at so much and emotionally battered that I can't handle confrontation in the slightest. I've learned to hold everything in so tightly because I can't speak out at home that everything comes unraveled when I let even one piece go. I sometimes get the desire to walk out of my house in the middle of the night and just leave, but then I'll get half a mile down the street and then realize that there's nowhere that I can really escape to at two o'clock in the morning.

Casimir.

I am rolling back and forth in my chair.
Chewing on Now and Laters.
Writing... but then stopping.
I can't work my fingers...

I think I need to go to bed.

Decatur.

I am...
silence in a noisy place.
screaming in my silence, and no one knows.
fighting with depression, and being overwhelmed. too much, too fast.
missing someone who has absolutely too much control over my moods.
fighting against what i want to say most of the time.
wrestling with self, dreams, and appearances.
too lonely.
surrounded, but so alone in the crowd.
afraid.

I like...
trashy, embarassing fiction novels that no one knows i read.
being different, but not enough to give up being overlooked.
being reliable.
being someone that is looked to every once and a while for guidance, instead of being the one doing the looking.

I want...
a real father.
a real, honest-to-goodness place in the world.
to be predictable.
to avoid the petty drama that follows people around.
to follow your example. and His.
a friendship that is more than just superficial.
a person i can tell everything to.
to be an example.
to be able to speak. clearly and decisively.
to sit out in the rain at night until i am soaked through, and just cry.

I love...
God.
having a serving heart, and putting it to use.
being around people who remind me that you can be okay.

I can't...
be who my mother wants.
be who my father wants.
become my brothers.
admit my fears to anyone, except to a blog that no one has found yet.
say this out loud to anyone.

I need...
the hope that someone reads my thoughts and understands.
a hug when my thoughts turn inward and dark.
to be able to be angry or upset or depressed without people acting like the sky is falling.



I am complex. I am the way God made me. I was made so I can grow and become strong through the trials that He has set for me. And I was made to see that my footprints often dissapear when He has to carry me - and that's okay. I need the reassurance that everything is all right, and that everything is according to plan.

It's okay.

Deafened.

Why do people have to be hard to love? Why do they make it hard?



I don't want to be in my house anymore, and I barely want to be a part of my family anymore. I'm probably one of the only people who has dreamed of their parents divorcing - and been happy.



I have come to the realization that I cannot rely on my father to be there for me. I was baptized last Thursday (August 14th). I was looking forward to it, because it's a confirmation of my faith, and because both of my parents were going to be there. And be proud of me. Most people really don't realize how amazing it is to have parents thgat push them, parents that care.

I have one of those. But I have two parents together, married, there.

But not there.

My dad chose not to come to my baptism. And I cried. I had maybe 40 people at my baptism, and I tried so hard not to show it.